Strange Day


In light of your recent failure to make the correct decision in electing your President, thus showing you to be unfit to govern yourselves, we hereby give you notice of the revocation of your independence effective as of Monday 8th November 2004.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she doesn’t much fancy, and is frankly a bit dodgy.

Your new Prime Minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair M.P. (for the 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world), will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated in twelve months time to determine if any of you noticed.

To aid your transition into a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. All citizens are to look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. While there, check the pronunciation guide for “aluminium” – this may be surprising for you. Generally attempt to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same 27 words interspersed with “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable form of communication. NB. Look up “interspersed”.

2. There is no such thing as “U.S. English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. Learn to distinguish between British and Australian accents. It’s not difficult.

4. Hollywood will henceforth be required to occasionally cast Englishmen as good guys.

5. Re-learn your original anthem, “God Save the Queen”. Please ensure that you have complied with the first law before attempting this.

6. Stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of “football”. What you refer to as “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you aware of a world outside of your borders may have noticed that no one else plays it. Play proper football instead; to start with get the girls to help you – it is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, eventually, be allowed to play rugby, which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies.

7. Declare war on Quebec and France, using nukes if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you unaware of the outside world should count yourselves lucky – the Russians have never really been bad guys. NB. “Merde” is French for “sh*t”.

8. 4th July is no longer a public holiday. 2nd November will be the new national holiday.

9. American cars are hereby banned. They are crap; its for your own good. When we show you German and Japanese cars you’ll understand.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.


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