But, now I feel I can reveal the real me. Many people that have met me and know me to a certain extent think that I am a hard and unemotional person, but in truth that simply isn’t true, and most of my really close friends know that, but many others don’t including some close friends that are flying to the UK today, you know who you are! Right, where to start really, I watched Titanic, or at least the last 30 minutes of it, and it really got to me; first time in a long time that tears have streamed down my face. I don’t show emotion very often, but sometimes things really get to me. I know that Titanic is just a movie, but it affected me anyway. And it made me think of my mother; who has suffered for many years; having both legs amputated and suffered a life of hell in the last ten years. When I went to see her in the home some years ago now, she was crying in pain, which profoundly affected me. I no longer see my mother as it hurts me too much to see her this way. It hurts me as much to stay away, but I want to remember my mother as she was, happy go-lucky and never let anything get her down; regardless of the problems she had. I would love to have that same resolve, but I am not as mentally strong as she ever was, I just let things get to me; not sure whether it’s a strong point or a weak point, but that’s the way I am! I do think that I wouldn’t be the person I am now without that, and I wouldn’t change it for the world, the day I become hard and uncaring, I will end it all, but I don’t think I will be able to do that. I may appear calm and collected most of the time, but I am only human and I do have feelings, guilt and much more. I just feel that I needed to get this across as I have only broken down like this before to one person and that person no longer answers my phone calls. I may well delete this when I sober up, but we shall see what happens, anyway goodnight and hope you have less of a hangover than I will in the morning!
