I seem to be determined to fuck it up!

I keep on pushing Lindsey away because of my insecurities. which is fucking stupid, its because she is so far away and it seems like 7000 miles might as well be seven millions miles! I know that she is the woman I want, but it also think that it’s incredibly hard to maintain any sort of relationship long distance. Another part of me thinks how deeply does she feel for me as she wont commit to me fully, when I say “I love you”; I guess I expect to hear it back. But she isn’t willing to say it as she doesn’t feel that way at the moment; guess I wouldn’t want to hear her say something that isn’t genuine. The overwhelming part of me says she is worth the effort and worth waiting for, but there is a niggling little thought that she may find someone else before I make it over there, she probably has the same fears about me, this is why long distance relationships fail miserably most of the time! In a nutshell, she makes me so happy, but so sad at the time time because of being out or arms reach, but I feel lucky to have met such a special woman from another country! Lindsey has bought a webcam, microphone and wi-fi card for her PC so she can talk to me online, seeing and hearing her voice every night will make things a little easier, we wont be any physically closer, I will feel closer to her being able to talk to her face to face in a virtual way!

Alternation has been another disappointment only drawing in 46 people, that’s 8 less than the previous week. I guess the opening earlier and closing earlier experiment can be considered a failure, so looks like it will have to go back to 10pm – 2am again on non band nights. Most people dont bother turning up until late, the majority of people turned up between 11pm and 12:30pm, so opening at 9pm is a pointless exercise unless we have the added attraction of bands playing! I am thinking about stepping aside completely as I was never really that interested in running the night, I just took it on because Stephen wanted to play DJ and Phil wanted me to take over from Colin & Sam, I’m sure Stephen and Steve will be able to manage on their own and I’ll just do the band nights at the sound desk!

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