Today is a really low day for me, you’ll know from previous entries that Lindsey has been really distant over the last four days and earlier today I found out the reason for this. It took me ages to get it out of her, but it turns out that she is in love with someone else, which explains her strange answer of YES to “are you in love?” in one of those pointless myspace surveys, that I was so confused about. I still feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and squeezed until all the blood has emptied out. I want to believe that Lindsey didn’t mean to hurt me, but it’s kind of hard when she tells me that she has felt this way about this other mysterious guy since before sending me that first message on myspace nine weeks ago. This smacks of her being on the rebound looking for someone to replace the love she lost. I always had a feeling in my gut that something wasn’t quite right, but just put that down to my paranoia because it felt so right. We just talked for hours on end, we both ran up stupidly large phone bills and shared many phone sex and videocall sex sessions, we knew each other so intimately that it had to be the real thing. Something happened on Wednesday/Thursday when she suddenly went cold and distant on me, I tried to get her to talk to me, tell me what was wrong, but I really didn’t see this one coming. My feeling is that they broke up before meeting me, but she still loved the guy, so couldn’t commit to me, which may explain her keenness to come to the UK maybe to escape his influence. I think that she genuinely didn’t mean to hurt me, and in a way was deluding herself that it could work out between us, despite being in love with someone else. I just wish she was straight with me from the outset, then we could have remained friends, but things have gone too far for that to be a possibility in my mind, I can’t be friends with someone I can’t trust. I put total trust in Lindsey and gave her my heart, and she has betrayed that trust and the net result is I feel used and heartbroken. I would love to be able to remain friends, I really enjoyed our chats, but my feelings are so intense towards her that it wouldn’t be a good idea! I just can’t help but feel what a missed opportunity it is for both of us, the relationship with this other guy may not work out, and she may regret this decision! I need to try to move on now, but it’s so hard when you’ve given yourself over completely to someone only to be told, well actually I don’t want you; it’s a bitter pill to swallow after nine weeks!
I did suggest that we shouldn’t have an exclusive relationship, and should be open to other relationships with people local to us. But we should carry on as we were until that happened as it was great fun; or we found ourselves in a position where one of us could visit/emigrate to the other’s country. I was committed to that idea, which leaves the door open for other possible relationships, it may have worked out that we both had relationships with other people, but found ourselves single again with the opportunities to meet and make things work in the real world should we still feel the same! The more I think about it, I can see that she didn’t mean to hurt me and she did believe that I could be the one for her, probably deluding herself into that belief, but something over the last five days must have triggered her feelings for this other guy! As much as I don’t want her to feel this way about him, in my heart I do want her to be happy, she deserves to be happy but it’s still hard as I imagined I would be the one to make her happy and I know she would have made me happy!
Yes, this has been completely rewritten since the initial entry at 5am this morning, my feelings were too raw to really comprehend what has happened. Reading it back, it no longer makes sense with some rational thoughts going through my head. I have extended an olive branch to Lindsey to keep in contact via Email, it’s too soon for videocalls or phone calls just yet. I will only get upset if I see her in the immediate future, and the fact she was in tears when I finally got her to reluctantly tell me the truth it’ll be the same for her! And Yes I am still in love with her, but if she is in love with someone else, that’s a bit of an non-emotion, I need to hopefully find someone else and get on with my life, it’ll be hard moving on from this though; this isn’t the sort of thing that can easily be walked away from!