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On The Rocks?

I know that Lindsey will probably read this; but I need to write this down before my head explodes. Over the last couple of days the conversations with Lindsey haven’t been the best; she seems so distant; it’s almost like she isn’t interested in talking with me any more. But everything seemed to change after I wrote a couple of lets say erotic stories/fantasies for her as she didn’t think I could do it. There is so many questions going around in my head; was it too much to expect a transatlantic relationship to work out, maybe she is thinking that; that’s she has been so distant. There is so many other things, Lindsey has been talking/flirting with another woman, who is clearly bi if not lesbian. I am so confused at the moment, is it me; is it something I have done; I know that she seemed to get annoyed that I referred to her as ‘bigger woman’ or ‘BBW’; both of which she is; but I like that in a woman and I want to shout it out to the world that I love a bigger woman. Basically sticking two fingers up to the people that can’t see past the exterior and ridicule men for being attracted to a ‘non-conforming’ woman. When I say non-conforming; I mean woman that don’t conform to the stereotype of what is considered beautiful; e.g. big breasts, tiny waist. My feeling haven’t changed for Lindsey, but maybe that isn’t enough, maybe the distance and financial barrier is too much to overcome? I hope this isn’t the end to something that could be amazing; I am just going to give Lindsey some time, I’m going to stay offline over the weekend and have said to text me if she wants to talk, I think that giving her some breathing space is the best thing to do; although I will miss her beautiful smile and hearing her voice! Why can’t life be simple, why couldn’t I have met Lindsey at the Voodoo Lounge, then things wouldn’t be so damn hard, it’s amazing when I videocall her, but when we log off I feel sad that we are both going to bed alone. I don’t expect people to understand the way I feel, I don’t think I fully understand myself. I would never have thought that I could fall in love with someone that’s 7000 miles away just from chatting online and exchanging photos, I sort of feel almost like I am limbo at the moment. The irony is that there is a couple of woman that are interested in me at the moment locally due to my more happy personality since meeting Lindsey, but despite both girls being very attractive, they just don’t compare to Lindsey as odd as it sounds having never physically met Lindsey in the real world!

I am going to go to bed contemplate things plus I need to be up at 11 – 11:30am because some damn surveyors are coming around to look at the house on behalf of the buyer. I am really pissed off that Darren from Stratton Creber has been passing my number around, I shouldn’t have to deal with this shit, I’m moving out before the end of the month. I’m starting to think that maybe it’s time to move on, start afresh somewhere new, the DJ night isn’t going anywhere fast; I put so much time and effort in and get no return financially; also I don’t get enough paid sound engineering work to live comfortably, I am always struggling to cover my costs each month; all these things make me wonder why I even bother trying!

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