I find myself still feeling as heartbroken two days later and my solution to the problem is drink myself into an early grave. I have spent the £100 that was going to pay for the phone bill which I ran up talking to Lindsey, so it’s likely my mobile phone will be cut off within the month. I can no longer watch TV as I destroyed my Sky box, and I have nowhere to put my clothes after trashing my chest of drawers. The only reason I am in tonight is because I have no more money to get pissed with. Its the only way that I can deal with the pain, I was smashed even when working on Tuesday, frankly I did a piss poor job on the sound, I just walked away as soon as the band started playing, I had no interest in working. Despite everything I still do love Lindsey, I don’t think that will ever change; I just can’t believe that it’s over, last week I was on top of the world and now I feel like my world has come to an end! All my friends have said that I should hate Lindsey, but how can I hate someone I love? Why does life have to be so damn hard; I really feel like I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, especially as most woman of my age already have children, and I don’t feel I can take on a ready made family. Plus I wouldn’t be able to commit to anyone fully because of my feelings for Lindsey; it wouldn’t be fair to play with someone’s heart like that! Last night I managed to get though 12 triple vodka and cokes in Voodoo Lounge, which isn’t good, I didn’t feel drunk until I went outside into the air, but instead of going home, I went down to the clipper for another couple of double vodka and cokes at £6 each, I didn’t care about the cost; I knew that it was extortionate but all I wanted to do was get smashed!
