I know I have banged on about this for ages, but something has happened today that has made me realise that I need to give up any hope of myself and Lindsey ever being together as a couple. There are many reasons why it’s not going to happen, my feelings being deeper for her than she feels for me, I know that she cares deeply for me, but that’s not enough, then there’s the logistics of one of us moving half way across the world, I don’t really want to move to America and I wouldn’t want her to leave her friends behind. She seems to have a very close group of friends and I would feel guilty about her leaving them behind. But the thing that made me realise that it’s simply impossible to keep up these pretences is when she said to me “I’m going out to play pool” – to me that sounds strange as hell being 6:30am in the UK, but over there it’s only 10:30pm. The extra hour between us since the UK’s switch to British Summer Time has made things so much more difficult to spend time talking. The problem is that if I want to go out, Lindsey is still at work when I leave to go out at 9:30pm (1:30pm AZ time) and usually after a few drinks I tend to come home at 2am (6pm AZ time) and sleep, but Lindsey can come home and talk with me for a couple of hours before she goes out with her friends. I do miss talking with her when she isn’t around, but the time difference is insurmountable in a real time chat situation as if I had a normal sleeping pattern I would be asleep before she gets home from work! My feelings for Lindsey haven’t gone away, if anything my feelings have intensified, leaving me wishing that she lived somewhere in the UK, relocating somewhere else in the same country is easy compared to relocating to a country several thousand miles away. I just need to accept that it can be nothing more than friends, no matter how much I want it to be more, I get the feeling that Lindsey would like it to be more as well even if she isn’t at the same emotional level as I am right now by the fact she wants me to get my mobile phone back online so she can call me up and run up another silly phone bill just to be able to hear my voice. I love talking with Lindsey and hearing her voice as well, but we both know in our hearts that its never going to happen and I am sure there are loads of nice guys in Arizona that could make her very happy rather than waiting on me to come over, which is getting more unlikely!
I don’t want to lose her as a friend and I’m sure she doesn’t want to lose me as a friend, but we need to realise that it’s an impossible dream, financially, logistically and emotionally for both of us. So until we can say that’s it, this is the end of the line for any relationship hopes, it’s never going to happen, we can’t move on, I don’t tend to go for other woman because I have this faint hope in my heart that I could end up with Lindsey. Since 9/11 the rules on passports and international travel has become insanely tight which doesn’t allow either of us to make the move easily should funds become available, before even considering getting Visa’s and that sort of thing to emigrate to another country. It’s kind of hard to explain my feelings in writing, it’s not as clean cut as you’d like when affairs of the heart are involved!