Yet again my hopes for finding that special person to love and be loved by has fallen through again. I had such high hopes for this relationship with Ali to go somewhere, I have given everything to her, my heart and soul and now I feel like an empty shell. I am wondering whether I am better off being single, and spending my life alone, I can’t get hurt if I never let anyone get close can I? But I crave the company of a woman to be able to hold and love her, whoever she may be, and if I am completely honest I still want that woman to be Ali. But she had a change of heart during her visit deciding that we could only have a platonic relationship, e.g. only being friends, which has left me feeling understandably devastated. I put everything into making this happen, I was even willing to give up everything that I have achieved here with work to move to Manchester to do a humdrum 9 – 5 job just to be with Ali. What hurts more was that she said she would be better off alone than be with me, how the hell can I bounce back from that? I am not going to go into details, but she ended up feeling that I thought she was repulsive, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Ali wants to remain friends, but in reality I don’t think I can, I will never be able to move on while Ali is still in my life in any capacity, I will always want more, it’s an impossible situation. I’m fighting back the tears writing this, my feelings are so raw at the moment, it totally destroyed me seeing her walk through the gate in the train station. I am supposed to be working tonight, I really don’t feel like it, but I need to money, I have lost money already by spending time with Ali, I lost out on £50 last night because I wanted to spend Ali’s last night with me at home with her, I ended up feeling so incredibly hurt, especially when she was reading my private message to Jane as I wrote it when I couldn’t sleep, then made me feel bad because I talked to my close friends about our problems which won’t be repeated here, despite my sadness and disappointment I am still in love with Ali, but I have to move on or this will consume me and ultimately destroy my soul!
