What do I really want? Does anyone know?

So many questions, and no real answers. Six weeks ago I thought that Lindsey was the person I wanted to spend my life with, but lots of things have happened to change my feelings, it’s been well documented on here, check out the archives. Now I have started chatting with Jill, who I met on myspace about 3 – 4 months before Lindsey. I find out she has feelings for me but that she wants me to be with Lindsey because she thinks it’ll make me happier. But Lindsey is hurting right now, all documented here as well and is avoiding those feelings by never being at home to dwell on it going out with her friends, so hence never has much time for me. Jill probably hit the nail on the head when she said when Lindsey told me she loved someone else (who didn’t reciprocate) I mentally switched off to any sort of relationship past friends. When I do speak with Lindsey now I don’t get that warm fuzzy feeling that I used to, it’s just like I am talking with any other friend now. I also really like Jill, and had done before I even knew of Lindsey’s existence and I feel that Jill is more the type of person I am looking for, Lindsey is seven years younger than me, and is looking for a different thing than I am, I want someone to spend cosy nights at home with, Lindsey wants to go party with her friends and isn’t looking for a boyfriend at the moment, I know I was out partying when I was 23 and didn’t really stop until I was 27/28, but that’s a case of “been there, done that” for me now. I think that Jill would like to pursue a relationship with me, but would rather see me happy with Lindsey as she is convinced I am head over heels in love with Lindsey, which I don’t think I ever was, I am not really sure what love is, but spending six weeks solid together made me think that I could spend the rest of my life with her. But now I think that it was more infatuation than love, but I will always have a special place in my heart for Lindsey, she has added so much to my life, made me feel wanted again! I want to see where my friendship with Jill goes, at the moment we are just talking, but I have bought an International calling card to be able to speak with her on the phone, she isn’t the easiest person to converse with on messenger, guess she isn’t a seasoned pro like me when it comes to IM chat, I don’t think she has anyone other than me on her list. I like to talk on the phone, it makes it easier to express feelings and get to know each other better, it’s odd we’ve known each other 7 months and we know very little about each other, I have learnt more in the last 3 1/2 hours of talking on the phone with her than I have in 7 months.

I’m just trying to find happiness while trying not to hurt anyone else in the process. I seem to be looking towards America as British women seem to not want someone like me who wants to settle down, at least I dont seem to be able to find them. It’s getting increasingly hard to find a single woman without kids, I’m not so sure I could take on a ready made family and of course there’s the flip side of will her kids like me? Every American woman I have met seems to be in love with the English accent and I wonder if they are only interested in the romance of moving to the UK and marrying an Englishman, not the reality of making it happen. Ultimately I don’t want to get hurt, but I need to start taking risks, I am not getting any younger and my options are dwindling by the day. I would be very happy with spending my life with Jill, but a lot of talking needs to happen before anything like that can even be considered, but I feel we have good starting base. If after a couple of months, myself and Jill find ourselves being drawn together, we can combine our efforts for her to come visit me and the UK to see if it is really all that she hoped for, she may not feel at home in the UK. I know I don’t really want to move to America as the place scares the hell out of me, hundreds of thousands of fanatics running around with guns, which is only a small % of Americans, but enough to scare someone that lives in a gun-less society in the UK!

I am going to stop now because I know I can ramble on and over-analyse myself into insanity, both woman are amazing people, but in very different ways from each other. But if I had to choose one, it would have to be Jill as she is more the type I would go for, she’s more shy and quiet and past the clubbing stage being only a year younger than me.

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