Onlineness… Loneliness…

Since last week I have been online very sporadically, I have been busy with work and drinking too much, been going out getting drunk pretty much every night after finishing work. I simply don’t want to go home to an empty bed, I miss having Ali to hold and kiss and those feelings aren’t going away. I end up in tears every time I go to bed and alcohol just makes me feel worse. I have never felt like this before, meeting Ali has just intensified my feelings, I am left wondering what happened, everything felt so right for the first two days together. I feel totally empty inside right now, it’s a horrible feeling, everyone keeps on saying there’s plenty more fish in the sea, but I want one particular fish, and that fish is called Ali. I can’t change the way I feel, I have all but given up on finding love now, I believe that there is only one true love in life and for me that true love is Ali. As a knock on effect I have been drinking too much, I must have spent more than what a return ticket to Manchester would cost in the last week and I have barely been eating which has made me ill, I am finding it hard to get motivation to do anything at the moment. At times I have even considered ending my life, I am not enjoying life at the moment at all, work is a chore, not something that I love to do like I used to. I am clinging onto the hope that somehow it will work out between myself and Ali, the three days we spent together were the happiest three days of my life, I desperately want to recapture that feeling with Ali that we had!

Work has been a nightmare this week, I go in on Wednesday for the Alternation alternative club night and I listen to the sound before doors open, and it sounds wrong, after a while I discover the that one of the subwoofer boxes had stopped working, we managed to fix that problem, it was a simple case of re-soldering the wires to the cones, someone had been hammering the system, which is why myself and Phil would rather do the nights ourselves than let someone else use the system. The same night we fixed the sub speaker we had the bass amp that drives that speaker go into protect mode and there was a smell of burning and the fans were going nuts. So it’s major panic time as it looks like the amp has been damaged not driving anything on the other end of the cable. Rob engineered the night on Friday as I had been drinking all afternoon and thought better of engineering that night while intoxicated. Rob thought of the obvious and hoovered the vents on the amps and it seems to be running fine again, so it must have just been a temperature issue because of a build up of dirt and fluff in the fans/vents. It’s good to have the system firing on all cylinders again, the sound was very harsh and unbalanced with only one bass-bin in action.

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