That’s the way I feel right now. I have all but screwed up any hopes of having a life with Erin. Erin went out for a few drinks last night with some friends so I thought I would do the same and went out to Voodoo followed by JFK’s. But I really shouldn’t drink as it changes me massively. I have been in denial about my depression for some time and it comes out when I drink; I become very self destructive. So here’s the full story; I went out to Voodoo Lounge for 8pm and met up with Mike, Kelly and Chris. Mike started buying me these cocktails called Toxic Waste which is basically loads of spirits topped up with Red Bull in a pint glass. I had two of those, one JD and Coke, and one double vodka and Coke, none of which I paid for. Then it was off to JFK’s and I had a reasonably good night, music was predictable but I didn’t expect much to start with so that was OK. Then I made my way back to Voodoo as it was barman, Rich’s leaving drinks so I said that I would come back for one drink with him before going home. Everyone was sat outside so I went behind the bar like always to pour myself a drink and put the money next to the till. But Lucy one of the new bar staff members started talking down to me like she owned the place and I lost it, storming out and went home. But for some reason when I logged onto Skype to talk to Erin she still wasn’t home from her night out and I really needed someone to talk to. I smashed up my laptop completely and threw it out of the window, this is the self destructive part of me. So not only have I destroyed an expensive piece of kit, I have also seriously cut my earning potential because I can no longer DJ parties and Alternation. But I really don’t care about the laptop, all I care about is Erin and I hope that she can forgive me as I desperately don’t want to lose her. I can fully understand her concerns about having me reacting like this around her son. I know that I have a problem, I know that I have been a complete idiot, I know I need to completely stop drinking but I don’t think my promise will be enough for Erin to still want me in hers and Conner’s lives. Erin has gone to work now to think about our future but given the way she was talking this morning I feel that I am heading for heartbreak. It’s taking all my energy to stop myself from breaking down. I can only hope that Erin can look into her heart and give me another chance, one that I will not screw up, I can live without alcohol, but I can’t live without Erin, she means absolutely everything to me, but will she feel that she can take the risk on me around her and her son?
