Single Again!

After weeks of uncertainty over my relationship with Erin I have decided to call it a day on our relationship as I am never likely to be in a position to make it happen. I can’t even afford to save up airfare despite making loads of sacrifices, pretty much giving up on any sort of life outside of work, sleep and spending time with Erin. I wanted it to work so badly but I guess that I have been deluding myself over the past eight months. Everything is against this relationship working, residing on different continents, her parents hate me without even meeting me, and getting a work permit is more hassle than is to be believed! I think that it was unrealistic to believe we could make this happen without some sort of cash injection from somewhere as my incomings just about cover my living costs. So I think its for the best for me to let Erin get on with her life, follow her original plan to come to the UK to make a new life for herself and Conner. I blame myself completely for break down, seems I don’t have what it takes to make this happen, Erin is a wonderful person and I really hope that she can find happiness as she deserves it more than most. I will always love Erin but I hope in time I can truly move past this and be happy. I need to sort out my own head before even contemplating entering into another relationship. I am certainly not looking towards to the US again, that is incredibly silly, there are too many roadblocks in the way to make it a feasible reality. I am not on myspace anymore (and have no intention of joining up again), so the likelihood of meeting someone abroad again is next to none. I should have never allowed myself to fall for Erin, I should have just kept it as friends as we can’t even be friends anymore because of this whole disaster. I actually really loved talking with her about everything and I doubt that I will ever meet anyone that will interest me on so many levels. It’s just my luck that my perfect woman is in another country, I don’t know why I am even surprised about that, story of my life, everything I want in life is just out of reach!

Now the big question is where do I go from here? Do I slip back into my old life of working then spending the nights earning going out getting off my face or do I stick to to my resolve and stay off the booze. But what do I have to come home for? an empty bed, a life of loneliness, doesn’t sound very appealing does it? I am never going to find anyone by staying home feeling sorry for myself, but I find it so incredibly hard to meet new people. I meet people all the time in my professional life but those people are never really going to be friends or a partner for me. Maybe it’s my destiny to spend my life alone, besides can I really ever find someone that truly compares to Erin, I would always have the feeling that I am settling for someone because I can’t have the one I really want. I have many questions and no real answers, I just hope that Erin can forgive me for being such disappointment! I just hope that Erin can accept my gifts that I sent for her birthday in the way they were meant to be (with my love) and not send them back to me, I want her to have them!

PS: While writing this I have been thinking about how much I love talking with Erin and I really don’t want to lose that. At the basic level I enjoy spending time with her, talking, laughing and generally enjoying each others company but that hasn’t been the case recently because of the pressure I am feeling to make it happen romantically. Maybe in time something more could happen IF and/or WHEN I have gotten my head together. I think Erin may be the key to me getting myself out of this cycle of depression and alcoholism I have found myself in. It was silly to allow ourselves to get this deeply involved without even meeting in person, getting engaged over the internet without even meeting is insane. Anyway I have texted her asking if she wants to be friends, let’s see if I get a reply.

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