Today I swallowed my pride and asked my dad for the second time to borrow money for my airfare to the US. I had to justify everything to the point of almost begging in a last ditch effort to save the relationship. My dad agreed to loan me the money and of course the first thing I did was call Erin and to say her reaction was underwhelming is an understatement and she didn’t even really want to talk with me for long. She also said that she wanted me to come over but wanted to just be friends until then and see what happens. Frankly I am not interested in friendship, I want my friends to be here physically to do stuff with, something that isn’t possible with long distance friendships. Besides I wouldn’t want to stay up all night talking with a friend like I did before with Erin. My sleeping pattern is seriously messed up because of this relationship. I am completely out of synch with day to day life in the UK!
Now for a little why things broke down irreparably, there has been a well publicised issue with my drinking, Erin didn’t like the person I became when I drank, I tried to give up drinking but kept on having relapses. I knew this was a problem for her and was trying to work on it but that isn’t easy when you work in a bar where there’s constant temptation. Things were moving along reasonably well or I should say I thought they were. Then on Tuesday I went out initially for a couple of beers to get out of this room which turned into quite a few more and I got rather drunk. The fact that I was quite drunk and the fact that I hadn’t had much sleep the night before I fell asleep on her. In the morning I promised that I wouldn’t drink for a while and duly rushed home from work on Wednesday, went online and I get a message from Erin saying that she had company and would call me later. Eventually I get a call at 5:30am by which time I was dead on my feet and just wanted to go to bed. I find out she invited a guy who lives in one of the apartments where she works back to her place to help him with some paperwork. Then the next day I get into the same cycle, go to work, rush home to find she has company again and stayed up drinking with the aforementioned guy into the early hours, then doesn’t come online at all in the morning, what do you think I am thinking right now? On Friday evening I finally get to spend time with her but things have changed, her manner is completely different and was very cagey about the previous nights events when I asked how her night went. Not only that but when the guy called she muted me so I couldn’t hear what she was saying which she never did before that night. Obviously this really aroused my suspicions even further and those suspicions have never gone away. Then she spends the whole day with him on Sunday as well which was planned on Thursday night. I talked to Erin a little on Sunday morning before she went out for the day and then that’s where it all came to a head and I decided to split with her as I couldn’t see a way out of the current loop we were stuck in. I had a couple of brief conversations with her today including the one mentioned above before going to her mothers for lunch then going out for the evening afterwards which I assume is the same guy as she never went out with anyone before. I was pushing her to go out more for some time but this was OTT because she was spending every free day with him and leaving me to sit here and stir. The bottom line is that I feel that the relationship has soured because Erin has discovered someone who can give her what she wants and is right there. It feels like I was good for her while she had no life because of her three year old son Conner, now she has found someone to go out with I have been discarded. I shouldn’t be surprised; this has been a pattern in my life. All I want in life is to be happy, but it seems that’s too much to ask!
That’s the whole sorry story, now I have to try to move on. I deleted her phone numbers from my phone as well as any text messages, calls and other related stuff and sent her an Email before deleting her Email address and all messages sent and received from her. I need to make a clean break; that’s the only possible way I can recover from this, I don’t need a constant reminder of what could have been. I’m not blaming Erin for the breakup, we both have issues, maybe too many to make it work but this new man in her life has driven a chasm between us which is a great shame as I really thought she was the one. But ultimately it was 4,500 miles that destroyed our relationship. I should have never even entered into a relationship with an American woman, it’s simply crazy to think that could ever work!
