The hardest decision of my life!

I have finally decided to call it time on my relationship with Erin. There are far too many complications involved and I don’t feel that I will ever be what she wants me to be. The thing she doesn’t like about me is my drinking and yes it can be a problem sometimes but it is part and parcel of me. I think that it’s best that we end this relationship now as things are getting more and more strained between us and see no end in sight. There has been a lot of revelations over the past few days which has made me re-evaluation our relationship and the biggest one is her new male friend who I know likes her because of the way he calls her regularly and is spending more time with her than me. So I think it’s best to stand aside [and if Erin wants to follow that relationship] see what can develop. He is already physically there as she seems to get on with him so well and also she has admitted that she is tempted by him. And if I am honest I feel that I have lost a little trust in her whether she has done anything with him or not. There is always the threat that she may have a moment of weakness and give in to him as she hasn’t had any sort of intimacy for more than a year. She says that she loves me and wants me but not the way I am; I need to sort of my drinking and self esteem issues and I feel that may never happen. I don’t want Erin to have to wait for me forever when she could find happiness right in front of her. Right now I feel numb almost not feeling anything, I do love her so much but I feel the roadblocks ahead are insurmountable. Moving to the US taking me away from everything I know and giving up my perfect career that is just taking off now. Taking on a ready made family and trying to find work over there, work permits and fighting all that red tape. I think it’s all too much for me to take on at this time in my life. Nothing has actually changed in my feelings for Erin but I question my own commitment to make this happen because of my fear of the unknown and getting hurt. And Erin has doubts about my ability to get my act together enough to become a good husband and father. My life has been this way for so many years now that I fear that she is right and that I can’t change. I would have liked to have remained friends and in a way wish that we didn’t have these feelings as I really enjoy talking and spending time with her. Erin wants us to take a short break from each other and take a step back but I don’t think that I can do that as these intense feelings I have will always get in the way. How can I be around her when I know she may be dating other guys; the idea of other guys touching her makes me feel like my world is falling apart. I have wanted to hold and kiss her for so many months making being just friends incredibly difficult. I should have gone with my first instincts about getting in a relationship with an American but I put my doubts aside and went for it anyway and now I am feeling hurt and in despair. I just wish that I could have met her here in the UK or at least in Europe where finding work and travelling back and forth would be easier, maybe I am just scared and taking the easy route out!

I know that Erin reads this blog so this is a special message to her:

Erin, I do love you, I love you more than anyone or anything in the whole universe. I wanted to be everything that you wanted and needed but I fear I can never be that person. I hope that in time you can get over me and move on and find true happiness. Any man would be a fool to turn down a chance of a life with you, which I guess makes me a fool! You are my World, you are beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, loving and most importantly YOU, the woman I fell in love with! I wish you all the happiness in the World, I wanted to be the one to make you truly happy like you made me happy. I love talking with you discussing all those geeky things like space, time and everything inbetween. I love laying in bed watching movies with you, I love hearing you breathing as you sleep. I know that I always said that I would never admit publicly that we sleep together just to feel closer to you. But right now I don’t care what others think, they can judge me as they see fit. I love you more than my own life and I doubt I will ever find anyone that even remotely compares to you. You have brought so much light and happiness into my life, I wish circumstances could have been different, I could go on and on being my soppy hopelessly romantic self but I think I should stop now before I have a complete emotional breakdown!

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