The Impossible Dream?

Over recent days I have really started to wonder whether it’s too much to dream that myself and Erin can make things work with the Atlantic Ocean separating us right now. Things are starting to get seriously strained on both sides because we are so desperate to be able to touch each other that it’s causing friction. It’s getting to the point now where Erin has met another guy (as a friend) and enjoys spending time with him therefore hasn’t been available to spend time with me over the last few days. I can’t help but feel jealous of this guy for the simple reason that he is there and I am not, so if he has any intention other than friendship he has a distinct advantage over me. And I wouldn’t blame Erin if she went for him as he is already a father and more importantly right there for her. I hope that doesn’t happen and we can still find a way to be together so I will be doubling my efforts including asking my dad for a loan to make the visit happen sooner rather than later, Christmas seems like a long way off right now, and I wonder just how long Erin is willing to wait for me!

I don’t want Erin to have to give up her new friend because of me as she has so few friends in Kansas to be able to just hang out with. It’ll just make me feel guilty as I am forcing her into not having a life and she would ultimately resent me for that. It was great upto now as she didn’t have anyone else in her life except me and [her son] Conner. I have become very reliant on her to be there, she is my big incentive to clean my act up. When she is busy with having a life I feel like I am lost, Wednesday and Thursday night I rushed home to be with her when I have options to go out after work to find a message saying that she has company and will talk to me later. I know that I am a royal screw-up and I shouldn’t be jealous but it’s hard not to be when I am so far away. She could do anything with anyone and I would never know; I know that works both ways, I could do the same but I haven’t been so much as tempted by another woman. I have thought that maybe it’d be better if I stepped aside and let Erin explore her new found friend(s) and if something developed then so be it. Yes it’ll hurt but I’d rather see Erin happy now than have to wait longer than absolutely necessary to find true happiness. I don’t know what I want right now, I have all sorts of conflicting emotions but one thing that hasn’t changed is my feelings of love for Erin, that’s why I asked her to marry me without even meeting! That shows the strength of feelings I have for her!

I have to admit that I have been dragging my feet over saving the money up to get the airfare together for the simple reason that I am scared. I have a big fear of getting over there and Erin not feeling the same as she does about me right now and me being incredibly hurt. I have been there and done that before and I’d rather not feel that way again. But what option do I have? If I don’t do it, I’ll be regretting it forever and that’ll hurt me more in the long term. At least if I go over there and it doesn’t work out; I can say that I have no regrets even if I am incredibly hurt at the time. Eventually I will get over it to a certain extent, there’ll always be lingering emotions, I’m not a robot, I can’t simply turn off my emotions!

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