Too much time has passed!

I have just got off the phone with Erin and I’m not at all tired, I’ve not been sleeping well because I am so miserable. I spent the last 3 1/2 hours trying to convince Erin that I am the right person for her but right now she doesn’t even want me to meet her. Basically delaying my visit has killed off our relationship. Although I do love Erin and talking to her makes me immensely happy, over time I will start to get back to some sort of normality and will be sleeping night times so our talking will be limited to a few Emails and messages on MySpace. Erin tells me that her feelings haven’t changed and that she still loves me but doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. I could keep on talking with her night times and sacrifice any sort of normality and still be here in five years time, still alone, wanting to feel the warmth of Erin to love and hold me. I know that if I am to have any hope of moving on with my life I need to start getting up in the morning and making better use of my days. I’m never going to meet new people by living a nocturnal lifestyle and in time I hope that my feelings for Erin subside enough to let me love again. The frustrating thing is that Erin won’t even entertain the idea of a relationship with me right now fobbing me off with “maybe in the future”. I can’t say I blame her; I did take too long to make it over there, I could have saved more money, I could have asked my dad once more for a loan sooner, I could have even agreed to let Erin contribute to the airfare way before I did, but hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it? Ultimately I can’t wait forever for Erin, I need to move past this, but I know that I will be comparing every romantic interest I meet with Erin. If it is possible to meet a perfect partner then Erin would be mine. Anyone got any memory erasing drugs for sale? I could do with some right now to erase the memory of the last two years so I can forget the heartbreak during that time! Maybe I would be a more positive person if the last two years never happened, being hurt badly 3 times has taken it’s toll. I need to do something with my life, there isn’t much point is existing as I am, sleeping all day and sitting home alone all night, with work being the highlight of my day. I can’t exist like this anymore if there is no future for myself and Erin, that thought makes me feel ill as I love and miss her so much!

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