Why did I call her?

Yesterday as I was trying to start the healing process and get my head together when I get a phone call from Erin despite me asking her not to call me. I cancelled the call, both on my landline and mobile but she left a message and stupidly I listened to it. She knows that hearing her upset on the phone gets to me and I caved in and called her as I had her number again because of caller ID. I have since talked with her on Skype last night and nothing has changed to make me want to have her back in my life. She just wants to be friends but wants me to come over anyway, I am not spending out that sort of money to spend 10 days on the sofa or worse walking the streets. Erin said that she is frustrated that it took me feeling threatened to get my act together to get the money to come over and that has scared her off. She said she wanted to start again as friends and see what happens but I can’t do that as it would be non exclusive and she said that she will be going out more now she has had an epiphany about me and her [lack of] life. This has made me have a few realisations of my own. Erin isn’t the same person I fell in love with, she has changed massively from what I thought she was when I fell in love with her. I want someone that is committed to our relationship and do things as couples and/or families. Maybe that would have been the case if I was actually there, the simple fact is that I am not and I have no urge to even visit America let alone live there. Which is very odd to say the least considering I have an attraction to American women. I told her it’s all or nothing and it looks like it’ll have to be nothing. I sent her another email this morning requesting that she doesn’t contact me again. If she truly loves me she’ll do that and let me get on with my life. If she can’t respect my wishes then I will simply get my numbers changed so she can’t contact me and block her on Gmail. The bottom line is she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me right now and I won’t accept anything less. The idea of being friends to allow her to have her own life and do whatever she wants with who she wants is not what I want to be party to. So there you go Erin, you have all the life you want, I don’t want to be part of it, I want to move on and try to build my confidence back clawing my way out of the sub basement again. It’ll be a long climb as I am now at sub-level 5 but I’ll get there in the end. Maybe I should just get off the Internet completely as it has caused me nothing but heartache during the past 18 months!

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