More torn than ever!

Erin has changed her mind about me coming over and she wants me there as soon as possible. I initially agreed to come over in July pending my father agreeing to loan me the money again. But now I am thinking maybe it’ll be a better idea to not go over because it’ll make things even more difficult especially if one of us feels differently from the other. There is something that Erin said as well that makes me not want to go over, “I need you here in front of me before I can get serious in any other relationships” – I know she has be spending a lot of time her new friend Jermaine and that statement sounds like she is developing feelings for him and wants to make sure she isn’t making a mistake before committing to a relationship with him. I have been talking to Anita quite a lot and I am attracted to her and we get on very well but I don’t really see a long term future as conversation would be limited and that would eventually drive me insane. Being able to talk to my partner consistently is very important to me and I don’t get that feeling from my conversations with Anita so far. Erin says that she likes Jermaine but he can’t talk with her on the same level as I do and doesn’t see him as a long term partner either. Now the question is do I fly to America to meet Erin and see where it takes us or do I make the best of the situation and try to make something happen with Anita? I am taking some time out to drive back to Poland with Stephen and stay for a few days to hopefully clear my head enough to see clearly what I want to do with my life before flying back on Wednesday morning. Do I make the ultimate sacrifice, give up everything I know and worked hard to get and be with the woman I really want and love or stay here in the job I love and be alone or be with someone that would always be second best. My heart is screaming at me “you love Erin, what they hell are you waiting for?”; but my head is more analytical saying “you have your dream job and you’ll meet someone here eventually”. Of course there is the bigger issue of can I live in America, can I find work there, will I be a good father to Conner. I am so unbelievably torn right now, this is going to be the most difficult decision in my to life so far. I want to let me heart rule over my head because I do love Erin and want desperately to be able to hold her, kiss her and do all those things couples do. The way she makes me heart beat faster when I hear her voice, the way she makes my heart feel like it’s going to explode every time I see her beautiful face. I know in my heart that I will always regret it if I don’t meet her but at the same time I don’t want to feel hurt again now that I am starting to get my life together.

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