And My Wife Wonders Why I’m Depressed!
I’m going to start by saying I am not talking (writing) behind my wife’s back, I have discussed this with her many times, but she refuses to change her spending behavior, so I am writing this for my own sanity, or at least what’s left of it. This blog was inspired by my wife complaining about how my depression affects her, she will often ask what she can do to help my depression, I request that she reduce her spending, especially on credit cards, she might change for a week, then it’s back to spending as normal.
Our combined income is roughly $3,700 per month, which should be enough to live on, and it is enough without having to pay multiple credit card minimum payments, her Discover minimum payment alone is $122 per month, of that $98.59 is interest charges. This balance, assuming no additional charges are added will take 25 years to pay off, if only paying the minimum payment, paying a total of $23,284 on a current balance of $6,075. in the last billing cycle she added $919 in charges, do you see the issue here?
Honestly, I am seriously considering letting her default on that card, that will at least stop her adding more charges. I recently wrote another blog article about irresponsible lending by credit card and loan companies, read it here. I have zero faith that my wife can reign in her spending habits, as she continues to say “I can’t live like you, I need to have a life” as a justification, which I call bullshit on, if your finances don’t allow for the lifestyle you want, you have to change your lifestyle, to live within your means.
I have canceled all my monthly services I liked, like Spotify, WWE Network and the VPN service I had to watch UK TV programming, to save money. I don’t see the doctor, or take the medication that I need to control my diabetes because we don’t have the money to cover the cost without leaning on credit cards. Frankly, I isolate myself from my family because of my stress and depression caused by this situation.
I don’t even get to escape from this misery as the thing I love to do, attend live gigs is not possible, I can’t even spare $20 – $35 for a ticket to shows. I feel trapped by this situation, and honestly, every day, my motivation to get out of bed and go to work dwindles to the point that I wish I would not wake up at all.
Our debts amount to $12,500, which includes my wife’s car payment, her Discover balance, and my Discover balance. This causes me massive anxiety and depression. 18 months ago, I paid off over $60,000 using my inheritance from my father’s estate, then set my wife up in business, with an initial outlay of over $10,000, with ongoing expenses of about $50 – $100 per month. Not to mention her second real estate career, which costs $1,000+ per year in fees and dues, without any sales to recoup those fees.
I just paid off $4,000 of debts, most of those being store cards my wife had signed up for, using part of our tax refund. I have kept aside $3,000 to pay for repairs to my wife’s car ($2,000) and finance a trip to Colorado to see Korn in August. I bring this up because, today, my wife asks me to transfer some of that money to the checking account, so she can go to the renaissance fair with her friend and her kids. She has gone to the fair anyway, so no doubt, I’ll be seeing more charges on credit cards in the coming days.
Is it time to separate our finances? and pay equal halves of the household bills, I’ll pay my cards, approximately $1,600 and my wife can manage her own cards and payments. I cannot continue to support my wife’s chosen lifestyle, managing our joint finances. Maybe she’ll understand the dire situation we are in if she has to pay her own bills, clearly talking to her about it makes zero difference.
The most worrying thing, I will be 43 years old in October and we have nothing in place for our retirement, no savings accounts, no 401k’s,, we don’t own a home, we have no collateral other than our cars, which amounts to maybe $15,000 – $18,000 currently, of course, that value will depreciate. We are going to be working until the day we die, unless things change in the immediate future. And, buying a home is out of the question, I will not commit to such a large loan with my wife’s spending habits.
I dearly love my wife, but I am questioning whether this marriage is good for my health. The direction we are heading is bankruptcy when my wife spends anywhere between $500 and $1,000 per month over our income level, this is not sustainable in any way, shape or form. My wife keeps on suggesting that I go back home to the UK, and if it were not for my kids, I probably would have done just that, but no matter how depressed I feel, or how much I dislike living stateside, I cannot simply abandon my children.
You have mentioned this to me before and I remember how stressed you were before you got your inheritance. I am sorry that this situation is creeping around again.
There is nothing constructive I can say that you do not already know. You know how to manage your financial affairs and it is not my place to speak ill of your wife, especially as I do not know her very well.
As your friend however, I am here for you. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know. If you want to talk, day or night, I will find a way to make the time.
Thanks James, there was a moment there when I considered calling. I’ve started talking with the wife, and we’re going to work something out, changes will be made. This time I am unwilling to allow this to get to the same level as our previous debt, where we were skirting with bankruptcy.