Downward depression spiral caused by deteriorating vision!
Following on from my previous A Mixed Bag Life Update XIII blog, a couple of days ago, this blog expands on how I feel, and the struggles I am having with my vision since last Thursday morning. I’ll get this out there first, I am writing this for myself, in an effort to stave off the feeling of impending doom, where I just want to sleep to escape my own mind, and the dark thoughts it tends to come up with.
Since last Thursday morning, from the moment I opened my eyes to see a world that has a 30% Gaussian blur applied to it, I have been struggling to do everything, including the thing I do for a living, the thing that keeps a roof over our head, feeling more and more frustrated and helpless each passing day.
I have been regularly applying allergy and lubricating eyedrops that were recommended to me by my Optometrist, which seemed to be helping, based upon what my vision was on Thursday morning. I would estimate that maybe the Gaussian blur level is more like 18%, I now only need my monitor at 175% zoom instead of 250%, allowing me to at least somewhat work, as I work from home and don’t need to drive.
I was really hoping that these vision issues would be temporary, maybe after a day or two, my vision would return to normal, but no such luck. Five full days in, and I cannot use my 6.7in Pixel 7 Pro phone, the screen is blurry even with my head one centimeter from the screen. To use my computer, for work, I need to have my screen resolution set to 175%, and even then, some programs I require, I cannot use because, at 175% screen scaling, their UI layout does not work at an effective 720p (1440p scaled 175%).
I had some false hope on Sunday morning, it appeared my vision had improved, but that hope was dashed when I was a passenger in my wife’s car, it became super clear that driving was not an option, the whole world was super bright, like my eyes were not constricting to let in less light, plus blurriness beyond 1 – 2 feet. Not being able to drive is frustrating, making me feel trapped, as the Midwest is not set up to walk or use public transport, not to mention the frequent 100°F+ Kansas summer heat.
Also, how am I supposed to do real estate photography, a vital part of my job, if I cannot tell if the camera is in focus or be able to frame shots, how can I create good real estate photography? not that I have a way to get to the property to take the photos, not being able to drive, so I guess it’s a moot point.
Sadly, I cannot just “get over it”, that’s not the way depression works. I feel more hopeless than normal, I have severe depression and anxiety caused by our constant financial woes. Now facing the prospect of losing my income, and not being able to support my family has sent me on a mental downward spiral.
The next problem is; if there is something that can be done to fix my vision, how can I pay for it, outside of obtaining more credit card debt? I already owe $3,000+ from the last time something similar happened, as I had to get several rounds of eye injections, which only 90% restored my previous level of vision. In January this year, I put $500+ on a credit card to get new glasses, which were a new technology that is supposed to increase clarity, not only did that not work, but my distance vision was worse, meaning I had to revert to my previous glasses to drive, which were not as effective for nearfield use.
My Optometrist has been telling me that my deteriorating vision was due to diabetes, but that has been under control, my last checkup, two weeks back showed I had an A1C of 6.3, and it has been in the 6.x range for almost 2 years, yet, my vision seems to have deteriorated faster than ever before.
I’m a person that does not like to rely on anyone, so, being in this situation, where everyday things like working, driving, or making a phone call are very difficult is incredibly frustrating. Yes, I understand, this is pride, but I have always been the carer, firstly, for my disabled mother, before her care was taken out of my hands, and now my wife, who unfortunately, suffers from severe RA and chronic pain, often requiring me to drive her to the ER, which I cannot do right now, my vision means I am in no way safe to drive.
Anyway, I’ll end it there, before I start repeating myself, thanks for reading.